Rest is a double edged sword for me. I absolutely love anything to do with being cozy, peaceful, calm, quiet. Napping is my favorite activity, preferably with my cat, Agnes, curled up on my chest. A cup of tea or coffee gives me all the warm fuzzies. I constantly have a blanket around me, regardless of whether I’m actually cold. While I adore fashion, I honestly won’t wear something unless it’s comfy. A number of people have stepped into our home and immediately said “it’s so cozy in here!” and it makes me so happy every time. I’ve built in moments of rest and calm into my home and life and I love it. However… Amidst my moments of rest, even when I need it the most, I have a very loud, annoying, nagging voice telling me to be productive. It seems to almost get louder the more I need the rest. A day or two away from my studio can cause so much anxiety and guilt. But you’re paying for that space, and you’re not even in it right now. How are you really pursuing this dream if you have to rest from it so often? No one is going to take you seriously as an artist if you aren’t constantly working at it. How are you going to make a living if you don’t constantly put out work? Well, since you’re not in your studio you should clean the house. Do every chore imaginable! Have you seen the dust bunny in the corner of the bathroom behind the door? You slacker. And while yes, I do need to do work on the reg, this is not the voice of self-discipline. I know that voice and love her dearly. But this is a mean, accusatory voice that makes me feel like shit. It takes so much effort to silence her that I often just agree with her. I “push through” and go to my studio anyway. I suck it up and do every chore on the list. Usually on those days, I’m not that productive anyway. Or if I am, I’m an absolute witch while doing it. So this voice not only takes away one thing I desire and require (rest), but it chips away at my goals, dreams, and self worth too! LifeThe fact of the matter is that art needs rest. I need moments away from my work to come back at it with fresh eyes and new ideas. And those moments don’t always have to be a nap (maybe only, like, 60% of the time). It can look like taking in other artists’ work, talking about my life with friends, talking about my friends’ lives with them, reading a book, watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, getting angry, getting sad, getting inspired and going to the studio and making and then starting all over again.
The other fact of the matter is that I, personally, require that rest. My personality, my anxiety, my human-hood has let me know in many ways that I must have moments of quiet and calm. If I don’t listen and care for myself in that way, I can’t function in a way that benefits myself and those around me. So, how do I deal when our culture screams against the practice of my career? I honestly don’t know. I just keep pushing back. I keep asking those I trust for reassurance. I keep napping. I keep being cozy. But I also keep pushing myself to say yes to things that scare me and make me uncomfortable (or uncozy, if you will). Because it also means saying yes to the moments I find I need to pause. Life is never a binary, and I'm always walking these lines striving to find a balance somewhere. Just add "rest" and "work" to that list, please and thanks.
4 Comments
Nathan
12/30/2019 02:21:38 pm
There's a wonderful tension in this life, that it is good to strive and to seek discomfort (growth), but that—in spite of what our culture tells—we are not defined or made who we are by our achievements.
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BA
12/30/2019 03:05:48 pm
Truth!! Thanks :)
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Jasiri
1/17/2020 11:08:02 am
Just got to reading this (a whole month later smh). Love what you're saying here and I feel it constantly so this is a huge encouragement to me!
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BA
1/17/2020 02:52:15 pm
Better late than never ;) And thank you! Glad to be of encouragement!
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